Monday, September 13, 2010

Why do fat people give me fitness advice?

I don't really have a solid topic idea for this post, so I figured a list of things that piss me off would suffice for your reading pleasure.  Do keep in mind that most of these are satyrical, but a few are not.  It is up to you, the reader to decide just how much of an asshole I truly am...


I'm a big fucking asshole

  • I hate it when fat people give me fitness advice, workout tips, or dieting advice.  Seriously, this is like taking marriage and parenting advice from Chris Benoit.  OH WAIT, I CAN'T TAKE MARRIAGE OR PARENTING ADVICE FROM CHRIS BENOIT.  What, too soon?
  • I hate that obesity is now a legal means of obtaining handicapped status.  I feel that it is not only fair, but downright moral to make fat people walk the extra twenty yards to the grocery store before they're able to stuff their fat fucking faces with marshmallow-covered twinkie pretzel and ravioli grilled cheese sandwiches, or whatever the fuck it is that puts these blobs of human waste into rascal scooters.
  • White people that act like ghetto black people when they're around black people, but act like regular white people when they're around other white people.  I don't think that this requires further explanation.
  • Jews.  HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.  I understand that most of you will shout, "RACIST ASSHOLE" at the top of your lungs, and this is a common reaction...if you're a fucking moron.  Judaism is a religion, not a race, and everyone knows that if you ascribe any of the three major religions, you're probably fucking stupid or just playing it safe.  If you don't want to be called a moron, don't live your life by a translation of a shittier translation of a 2000-year-old book written by insecure, controlling men that practiced the art of excess-shit-wiping with their left hands.
  • That fucking guy that jogs in shorts that were clearly designed for someone half his height.  If I wanted to see middle-aged balls, I'd drop my gym short-clad nephew off at church with a disposable camera.
  • People that don't curse and become upset when I curse.  Fuck you, you're a bitch, and my vocabulary is PERFECT with or without cursing, I just CHOOSE to place my emphasis in the anger and purity of a liberating swear.  It feels good, it sounds strong, and you're a gigantic pussy.
  • Eskimos.  Seriously, fuck those guys.
  • M. Night Shyamalan.  What a gigantic piece of shit this fucking guy is.  Terry Schaivo could write a better movie than Signs, not even fucking kidding.  Super-advanced aliens master intergalactic travel but can't master the subtle intricacies of a fucking doorknob?  Eat shit and die, you fucking asshole.  How about The Happening?  "Hey guys, let's get Marky Mark and that stupid cunt from Elf that insists on singing (albeit, fucking terribly) in every movie she's in and make them run from wind for two hours!  Bllllllockbuster!"  P.S. - That Sci-Fi special was fucking stupid and boring.
  • Queefs.  Seriously ladies, cut that shit out, it's gross.


  1. I do believe you're onto something there!

  2. Quite a rant! Just let it out man ;)

  3. lol, funny shit. I too am sick of seeing hairy jumping testicles.

  4. Ugh, I can't stand queefing. It's...ugh! SHOW ME SOME LOVE!

  5. Lol some funny bits in here =D

  6. the swearing bit is so true. pussies.

  7. u mad??? haha I lold so hard at this,thats like taking marriage advice from chris beniot! fucking jews! i agreed with every single one of these. except for the Eskimos part, they're cool.

    this post is the best rant ive seen in so far

  8. nice read... can't wait to see more

  9. keeping it real I like that
    Supporting always!

  10. true that. never had one give me advice though :D

    lol'd at the swearing thing :D

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