Tuesday, September 14, 2010

You see that piece of cake right there? Do you think you could maybe shove that in my ass for me? Thanks.

It's been a long day.  Work ran late, and as a result, my brain is mush.  So rather than taking the time to do something original, I guess I'll just grace you guys with a list of quotes that have inspired me throughout my life.

"If she's old enough to pee, she's old enough for me" - George Washington
"I'll beat the fuck out of a pregnant bitch, I don't give a fuck" - Anne Frank, an excerpt from The Anne Frank Diaries
"The best part about fucking twenty-seven year olds, is that there are twenty of them" - Abraham Lincoln, an excerpt from his State of the Union Address
"I'll stop eating motherfucking babies when they stop tasting delicious" - Martin Luther King Jr.
"White people?  Why, they are the most pleasant people on God's green earth!" - Malcom X  (Take that, you dead asshole.)
"She asked me to give her nine inches and make it hurt, so I fucked her three times and punched her in the mouth" - Mother Theresa
 "BRB, naptime" - Heath Ledger
"Fuck this, I'm gonna join my dead career." - Corey Haim

Monday, September 13, 2010

Why do fat people give me fitness advice?

I don't really have a solid topic idea for this post, so I figured a list of things that piss me off would suffice for your reading pleasure.  Do keep in mind that most of these are satyrical, but a few are not.  It is up to you, the reader to decide just how much of an asshole I truly am...


I'm a big fucking asshole

  • I hate it when fat people give me fitness advice, workout tips, or dieting advice.  Seriously, this is like taking marriage and parenting advice from Chris Benoit.  OH WAIT, I CAN'T TAKE MARRIAGE OR PARENTING ADVICE FROM CHRIS BENOIT.  What, too soon?
  • I hate that obesity is now a legal means of obtaining handicapped status.  I feel that it is not only fair, but downright moral to make fat people walk the extra twenty yards to the grocery store before they're able to stuff their fat fucking faces with marshmallow-covered twinkie pretzel and ravioli grilled cheese sandwiches, or whatever the fuck it is that puts these blobs of human waste into rascal scooters.
  • White people that act like ghetto black people when they're around black people, but act like regular white people when they're around other white people.  I don't think that this requires further explanation.
  • Jews.  HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.  I understand that most of you will shout, "RACIST ASSHOLE" at the top of your lungs, and this is a common reaction...if you're a fucking moron.  Judaism is a religion, not a race, and everyone knows that if you ascribe any of the three major religions, you're probably fucking stupid or just playing it safe.  If you don't want to be called a moron, don't live your life by a translation of a shittier translation of a 2000-year-old book written by insecure, controlling men that practiced the art of excess-shit-wiping with their left hands.
  • That fucking guy that jogs in shorts that were clearly designed for someone half his height.  If I wanted to see middle-aged balls, I'd drop my gym short-clad nephew off at church with a disposable camera.
  • People that don't curse and become upset when I curse.  Fuck you, you're a bitch, and my vocabulary is PERFECT with or without cursing, I just CHOOSE to place my emphasis in the anger and purity of a liberating swear.  It feels good, it sounds strong, and you're a gigantic pussy.
  • Eskimos.  Seriously, fuck those guys.
  • M. Night Shyamalan.  What a gigantic piece of shit this fucking guy is.  Terry Schaivo could write a better movie than Signs, not even fucking kidding.  Super-advanced aliens master intergalactic travel but can't master the subtle intricacies of a fucking doorknob?  Eat shit and die, you fucking asshole.  How about The Happening?  "Hey guys, let's get Marky Mark and that stupid cunt from Elf that insists on singing (albeit, fucking terribly) in every movie she's in and make them run from wind for two hours!  Bllllllockbuster!"  P.S. - That Sci-Fi special was fucking stupid and boring.
  • Queefs.  Seriously ladies, cut that shit out, it's gross.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

First post! GAAAAH!!!!

I've decided to make my first post something hilarious to match my hilarious personality, since I'm pretty tired and have nothing interesting to say, so I'm going to rant, since I'm an angry American in need of an outlet (Assault charges are getting expensive).

My Review of "The Fourth Kind"

The first kind of shitty movie that you can watch is only semi-terrible, leaving room for you and your friends to drunkenly mock its foundation.
The second kind of shitty movie is unaware of its shittiness, but its low-budget and unmentionable storyline and cast doom it to shitty movie hell.
The third kind are usually blockbusters that flop miserably, usually due to its hollywood-backings putting money before quality...

...But the shittiest of them all...is the Fourth Kind.

I recently watched the film, "The Fourth Kind", and I must say... It was a giant piece of shit. The film and its director allege through the film's entirety that its happenings were all documented fact.  These statements are about as factual as that asshole in third grade that swore up and down that urine was produced in the testicles.  There is no documented evidence to support any claim made by this film, none of the names mentioned in the film belong to anyone alive right now, and most convincingly, the film's "actual footage" is so fake, it could be a Chris Brown apology video (derp derp derp).  In conclusion, I hated this movie, 0/10.

Things I would rather do than watch this film

-Sit on Santa's lap after a Viagra overdose.
-Let Courtney Love babysit my kids
-Watch porn with my grandparents